Quesolessnessphobia

Though countless psychologists have attempted to catalog and
categorize the plethora of various phobias persistent in our world
today, together with a fellow intern in the state Capitol I have found
that a previously undiscovered phobia is plaguing millions across the
nation--and at least two in my workplace. It is known as
Quesolessnessphobia, one of the most severely crippling phobias known
to man.

Symptoms arise primarily in the college years, beginning with an
intense enjoyment of a sample queso in a restaurant setting. Though
mundane enough in the early stages, Quesolessnessphobia quickly
advances. Subjects report a symptom known as 'hogging,' where although
a portion of queso was originally purchased for multiple parties or
even the entire table, it is almost entirely consumed by the
afflicted, often to the point where he or she will sit immediately in
front if the queso and employ a 'double-handed shovel' technique to
consume the majority of it. Sufferers will begin suffering from
discrete hallucinations, seeing images of themselves in a 'queso
shower' or 'bathing in queso.'

When symptoms persist, sufferers of Quesolessnessphobia will begin
ordering not just one, but two quesos per sitting. Here the phobia's
negative effects manifest themselves in earnest, both in the
sufferer's wallet and waistline. Because of the former effect,
Quesolessnessphobia will cause those afflicted to begin making queso
within the home, thus exacerbating the latter effect of the disease.
With this transition, the condition quickly spirals out of control to
the point that the sufferer is so incredibly dependent on queso that
he or she is necessarily afraid to leave home without at least a
Tupperware container if it, if not an entire bag of chips as well.

In our studies, we found that there are no easy cures for this rare
and pervasive disease. Neither salsa nor guacamole seem to suffice as
substitutes, and the 'cold turkey' approach generally seems to
backfire on subjects hoping to rid their Quesolessnessphobia. It is
our hope that its proper identification will lead to more advanced
studies in the biological and psychological effects of this disease.
With the growing number of Quesolessnessphobia sufferers, one can only
hope a treatment, if not a cure, can be found in the near future.